Urges
by SapSorrow
Summary: Beginning with the events of the first movie from Spock's POV, mostly angst to start but developing into M rated Spirky goodness in later chapters. Also Uhura bashing :-) Spock dislikes Kirk with an extraordinary intensity. This bothers him. ;-) Dub- con, now with added serious Vulcan on Human action! Now complete!
1. Chapter 1

1.

Spock has observed precisely 367 Starfleet cadets undertake the Kobayashi- maru without their ever knowing or caring that he was doing so – but it had never felt voyeuristic before. It had never _felt _anything before, and that was as it should be. He can only assume that this case is more interesting because nobody has ever looked like they might succeed before. Certainly he has no specific interest in the young man in question, last minute recruit James Tiberius Kirk. So why does he find himself wanting to know more about this strange, illogical young man? – and why does he feel like it would be somehow _stalking _him –he wishes he could think of a better word for it – to do so?

He watches from above as the boy – who clearly does not have the half of his intelligence or any degree of self discipline – behaves so _casually, _so nonsensically in the face of what should be certain failure. He gets the distinct impression that young Kirk is, to put it in a excessively human way – pissing all over his carefully constructed test. He wonders why Kirk keeps looking up – keeps looking _his way_. It would be deeply illogical to think that the boy knows that he is personally responsible for the test and yet he still could well know that whoever constructed it would be standing where he is and so by inference the cadet's mockery is aimed directly at Spock. Spock finds himself a little bewildered by just how angry this makes him – certainly he has dealt with worse and more personally mockery than this – and yet. Yet he wishes somehow that he could just yell out to stop the test, storm down there and punch that arrogant young man – possibly throw him around a little while he's at it – Spock stops that line of thought quickly, alarmed by how detailed and real this fantasy is becoming. He is deeply alarmed by this urge and struggles to quell it but – is Kirk actually _eating and apple? _Is he actually doing it in an especially obnoxious way? Spock wishes – very much not for the first time – that he was half as logical as he appears to be.

From his vantage point he summarises what he can about the cadet. He is clearly tenacious and somewhat dense as this is now his third attempt at the test. Most cadets accept their failure after the first try and thereby come to understand the purpose of it but Kirk is clearly excessively tenacious, obstinately unintelligent or a combination of the two. None of the adjectives he can come up with are particularly flattering; he is arrogant, rude, infantile, insubordinate and disorganised. He is also an extremely attractive example of a human – Spock supposes, grudgingly, and finds room in himself to be annoyed by this as well. He would like to fucking _make _him subordinate and also snatch that fucking apple off of him.

Spock is so troubled by his own thoughts – and busy wondering why he cannot form an intelligible descriptive summary of Cadet Kirk without resorting to vulgar expletives, that he does not initially register that he has just been asked a question. He frowns, unravels the question, realises that the smug, idiotic, ingenious little bastard has indeed passed his test, thins his lips to avoid saying something distinctly un – Vulcan, and replies simply –

"I do not know."


	2. Chapter 2

**In which Spock has disturbing dreams, deals with human coffee and wonders why he ever got together with Uhura. **

**Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine :-(**

_There is a garden. Birds are singing. The scent of flowers and rain and grass. A young and beautiful man walks towards him and hands him an apple out of which he has taken a bite. Spock frowns, wishing he could pinpoint where he knows this young man from. But he takes the apple in some kind of strange slow motion and takes a bite unquestioningly. It is sweet and almost obscenely delicious. He looks up and is arrested by the startling blue of the human's eyes – so open and clear – he has never before met such unequivocal invitation in any face. It occurs to him, like being hit with a bucket of cold water, that he is perfectly naked. The young man smiles and begins to fade away, saying something as he does so that Spock cannot hear, but he watches the man's lips move, fascinated by his teeth and tongue as he forms the beautiful, musical word and Spock wants to cry out with the need for him to stay, not to go, never to go – _

When he wakes up a second later he is surprised to find his eyes wet and an aching sense of sadness like a tightness in the chest and then – Kirk! It was bloody Kirk! – he realises with a jolt – but why? Why him? Why do we have random naked dreams about the strangest of people? Spock can only imagine that Kirk is on his mind _a little _at the moment because he has to attend his hearing for insubordination later today – something he somewhat dreads and relishes in equal quantities.

He is reaching out in his mind for what Kirk had been trying to say to him at the end of the dream – and it's close, so close, the knowledge of what it was on the tip of his mind when there comes a knock on his door. His heart sinks – only one person would knock in that horrifically perky manner at this time of the morning – and now is not the time. Now is _never _the time. Nevertheless he gets out of bed, puts on a dressing gown and opens the door on autopilot, watching that near realisation flutter away like a butterfly and sure enough Uhura is standing there beaming at him like a psychotic theatre usher with a cup in her hands. She all but bounces in, talking at him instantly –

"Morning sweetie! I thought – since I can't stay over then at least I could bring you some coffee! Here you are!"

He takes the cup out of her hands automatically, groaning inwardly – he doesn't even _like _coffee, he likes Vulcan tea, green and slightly spicy with a hint of lemon – but trying to tell Uhura this is like trying to tell her that he didn't mean to get into a relationship with her – as fruitless and unpleasant as earth coffee.

In fact he never had meant to get into a relationship with her in the first place. It was a terrible semantic misunderstanding stemming from his disorientation in his first week on Earth. His first dreadful mistake had been attending an earth bar in attempt to acclimatise himself to the environment. He could only guess that he had been looking more obviously morose than he had intended as she has bounded up to him and inquired very politely, in Vulcan, if he was alright. It had been good to hear his own language and he was impressed by how well she spoke it. As she was also extremely intelligent for a human they had ended up conversing – on several occasions until one conversation when – he could no longer recall how it had come about – she had asked him if he liked her. Assuming that this was merely an expression of human insecurity and since he had no objection to her presence at this time he had replied in the affirmative. When she had then later asked him – exceptionally illogically as far as he could tell – if they could be together he had replied – since he was clearly in her vicinity – that he had assumed they already were. It was now too late to rectify the mistake without causing what he suspected would be a horrible and potentially hysterical scene. Yes, if he was being perfectly honest with himself, which the inability to lie effectively rendered him – he was a coward.

Spock sits down on the edge of the bed, wondering if she would notice if he just quietly ignores the coffee.

"Are you okay sweetie? You look kinda troubled" .

Yes, he feels excessively troubled – like by the fact that he was having highly surreal, quasi – mythological dreams about someone who he has not even met but who already annoys him to an illogical extreme. He paraphrases all of this by saying just that he had been having some troubling dreams.

"Poor baby" Uhura says, inexplicably, as he is neither financially impaired nor an infant – "Were they bad dreams?"

Now, there was the question. He rather wishes that they had been bad dreams because at least that would have been simpler. He says nothing while he tries to phrase an answer and she takes this as an affirmative. He does not correct her, all he really wants to know is when she will be going and so finds it only logical to ask her this. She seems a little annoyed that he has asked, says –

"Oh – did you want me to go?" – and pouts a little. He does not know what the pout implies and answers simply "Yes" because it is true.

"Oh fine then" she says, glares at him and stalks out. He wonders what she means by "Fine" in this instance but he does not wonder for long as in his mind he is watching his dream self watching dream Kirk and seeing his lips move, his teeth very clear and perfect at the start of the word, then he breathes out like a sigh and his tongue forms the sibilant ending like a dance –

"T'hy'la" he had said –

"T'hy'la".

**Okay, I'm aware this is wandering into the reams of slightly silly, will be back on form with the angst in the next section …. It's a slow burner but steadily angst leads to rage, rage leads to sex, sex leads to a very bruised Kirk….promise. :-)**


	3. Chapter 3

**3.**

He hates this so much – this horrible, almost perspiration inducing feeling of nervousness. It is unprofessional, faintly nauseating and unacceptable to himself if not to anyone else. He only hopes that it does not show. He has positioned himself several rows back in what he fears will prove to be a highly illogical attempt to not become a directly active participant in these events. He hopes fervently that he can just witness cadet Kirk's expulsion from the academy and never have to see him again. He tries desperately to ignore that evil little inner voice that pipes up with – _really? Are you _sure _that's what you want? _He struggles to lie, even to himself, so instead he just tells himself harshly, to shut up. He fails to listen to himself and – there goes that voice again, this time asking him by the way what on Earth Kirk had been doing calling him T'hy'la – a word he knows of course but had barely had cause to think of before and something almost sacred to Vulcans. _Why, brain? _He thinks, positively petulantly, _why are you doing this to me?_

When Kirk comes in, bordering on being late _of course_, Spock forces himself to not even look his way, instead he focusses very directly on admiral Komack, as he calls the meeting to order. Spock listens, with no small degree of petty gratification, as the admiral cites Kirk's violation of regulations and calls him to attest to the charges.

Kirk rises and –

_-and he is beautiful – shutupshutupshutup! –_

And because this is quite obviously not Spock's day – of course the first thing he says is –

"I believe I have the right to face my accuser directly"

_Of course you do, you absolute little shit, _thinks Spock, much to his own alarm, as his heart both rises to the bait and sinks at the same time, leaving a distinctly uncomfortable feeling in his chest. But he rises, straightening his uniform as he does so in a manner that he hopes appears superior and professional and not like a fidgety English schoolboy of long ago at his first public speaking debate.

He looks at Kirk with a sense of deep inevitability and Kirk looks at him and he looks a little confused but his eyes are very bright and very blue. _His eyes are very beautiful actually _– but that is irrelevant and redundant and Spock is angry at himself for letting himself think it. Still there it is – a weird rushing sensation he has never encountered before, like a wind that threatens to sweep him away, trailing a ribbon of friction between the two of them so that, as he walks down to the podium he feels like he is being pulled along on that ribbon and can do nothing to fight it. He does not believe in fate so instead decided that this must be loathing. He wonders if maybe he is just unwell, certainly that would be the most logical explanation for this feeling like he might get dizzy and fall over. All sense of self control feels deliriously close to slipping away, leaving him with no clue – as yet- as to what the consequences of this could be.

He is, frankly, lightly incensed at the accusation that the test is a cheat and supposes that it is only typical that this basically _low life farm boy _from _Iowa _– yes he has done his research that was in no way stalking – that this boy would interpret it that way. When he points out with _exceptional _calm that the argument precludes the possibility of a no – win scenario Kirk has the audacity to look smug and announce to the room at large that he does not believe in no – win scenarios. He actually looks _proud _of this inanity, quite clearly he thinks he is the best thing that could ever happen to Starfleet and is actually looking faux casually around him as if for appreciation of his –what? Daring? Perseverance? Ignorance, is all Spock can think it is. _He _does _not _appreciate the boy's cockiness and has come to the end of his ability to not lace all of his replies with extreme condescension –

"Then not only did you violate the rules you failed to understand the principal lesson" – _you idiot _he adds silently, though perhaps Kirk picked that up, something in his voice at least – as he repays superiority with sarcasm –

"Please –" he sneers – "Enlighten me". One day, Spock resolves there and then, one day he will hear him say please and mean it. He had not wanted to sink to the next level but now he feels very much provoked and actually he would really _like _to hurt Kirk right now –

"You of all people should know that a captain cannot cheat death".

He knows that to a human this would translate as _Your dad died –suck it up - _ and Spock does see a momentary flicker of hurt in the boy's face. He thought he would rather enjoy it but when it comes to it he just thinks _oh – so young _and instead he just feels bad and….and like he would like to take it back and make it better. Like anyone who could cause _that _face to make _that _sad puppy expression is the worst kind of individual, like a man who kicks kittens. He blunders though his explanation of this statement before all his sympathy is shattered by the cadet's blatantly not listening and responding like a blustering child –

"I don't think you like the fact that I beat your test."

He is getting to the point now where, quite frankly, he could not give a crap about the test. He explains it with infinitesimal patience, faintly wondering (worrying?) if the test does not make him slightly sadistic – watching all those potential captains experience fear, watching their reactions – this is something he has not had cause to consider before. He deeply dislikes that this wretched boy has made him question himself. He dislikes how much the boy both intrigues and confuses him. He _hates _his attitude and his damned smugness –

Then the news comes about Vulcan, banishing all thoughts of Kirk at least temporarily from his mind.

Except….

Except Vulcans have exceptionally good hearing and as he is leaving Spock overhears the Cadet turning to his friend and muttering –

"Who was that pointy – eared bastard?"

He stiffens lightly, wondering why they always go for the ears, and then filing this comment away for later but with faint anger.

"I don't know –" he hears next – "But I like him".

He does not know how to interpret this, struggling as he does with human attitudes and inflections. He decided only that he at least likes Kirk's friend more than he does Kirk.

This does not necessarily mean much.

**All the exciting stuff begins in the next chapter! Wheeeee **


	4. Chapter 4

**In which it starts to get interesting kids, and in which the M rating starts to become a little relevant…..:-P**

4.

It is not just a bad day. It is the worst day of his life to date. From his filed attempt to assign Uhura safely out of his way on the USS Farragut to the destruction of his home planet and the death of his mother.

And through it all there is James Kirk, running through this godawful day like a ribbon of poison, steadily getting to him more and more, like a bug under his skin.

Nobody has ever managed to get under his skin before _nobody. _He could not have dealt with this well on a normal day and now today he is painfully ill- equipped to handle it. _How did I get here? _He thinks as he hears his father shout at him as if from far far away – _how the hell? _He has not lost it like this since he was a child and his thoughts have never been so erratic, so coloured by human syntax and colloquialism – and it had to be Kirk didn't it? Kirk, who couldn't just let him grieve in dignified silence but had to provoke him and provoke him, getting in his face like that – _painfully intolerably _in his personal space, saying what he did about his mother until here he is. Here he is, breaking apart in front of everyone and all the pent up hate and bile, passion and frustration of his whole existence wrapping itself around Kirk's throat because somehow this _idiot boy _has shot through everything, not just the current horrendous situation but all the walls he has spent so long building up. The urge to hurt, to emote, to overflow – to make _him _know exactly what it is to feel like this _every day, _like a pounding in the head, a flood through the heart and nowhere for it to go. There is a great release and a roaring out of him as the dam breaks, that only he can hear –

- But not quite only because he makes sure the boy will hear it too - humans are psychically defunct of course, stupid as sheep in this regard but that does not mean a Vulcan cannot _make them _hear their thoughts. Years of repression and struggle flooding through his fingers and into James Tiberius Kirk. He has not even touched anyone and meant it in so long, if ever, gentle encounters with Uhura touching little even of real skin and nothing in the heart. It has always been easy enough to remain in control with everybody else he has ever met.

_Why you? _ He screams, silently, but making sure that Kirk can hear every word – _why do you touch this in me? Hate you hate you what have you done to me? Hurt hurt hurt you too will feel –_

And Kirk in return, in disorganised human thoughts a jumble at first – fear of him, terror even – _fuckfuckufuck I'm sorry – didn't mean this – please don't kill me please I'm sorry – didn't want to hurt you – okay okay put it on me let it go –_

_- Damn you, never want to kill you but you will suffer this damn you damn you so many years now why you?_

He is aware of everything and everything right now is just this – this warm squirming human beneath him, he _could _kill him, a large part of him _wants _to kill him – another half – but just as illogical if not more so feels like this would somehow be some kind of suicide. Horrifically the closeness feels _good _and he is not alone in this feeling, hearing a new melody in Kirk's thoughts as _pleasepleaseplease _becomes _please don't stop, _as the blue eyes turn nearly black and he arches his body towards him – _fuckfuckwantyesneeddon'tstop – _His father's voice telling him to stop is coincidental in the end to the fact that he can feel the human's erection and when he pulls back with reluctance and disdain – he is not sure what he is more disgusted by – that, or his own.

_x_

He walks away from the bridge hardly aware of where he is going, his mind a seething whirlpool wherein lurk jagged teeth. His fists clench hard enough to hurt badly but it's better than the mad race of his thoughts – _wanted him wanted to hurt him, hurt him forever wanted to fuck him yes I do have to put it that way fucking awful fucking useless human fuck fuck fuck – _

"Speak your mind Spock."

Oh fuuuuuck.

His father has followed him.

Worst timing _ever._

This question at this time is so insanely inappropriate that it is all he can do to pull back on a tirade of maniacal giggles. He begins to wonder if he really is losing his mind – _actually dad, I was thinking – y'know – in the face of mother's death and near annihilation of our species I was thinking how much I want to fuck the shit out of the most aggravating idiot human I ever met fuck him 'til he breaks, hate him hate him –_

Somehow he gets a grasp on this flood of mental effluvia – as much for his father's sake as his own – it is clear enough how much Sarek is also grieving – and he sums thisall up with the understatement of the year –

"That would be unwise."

No. Shit.

What is happening to him? Why is he thinking in a string of expletives? Something he has _never _done before and hoped he never would , something horrifically human, something disturbingly like the thought patterns of James Fucking Kirk. Perhaps his father his trying to be helpful, probably in fact, but it comes as a final blow when he says –

"You asked me once why I married your mother – I married her because I loved her."

When he thinks about this he is first angry – _how could you have not told me that years ago? All those feelings you persuaded me to hide you hypocritical bastard – oh fuck you loved her and she's dead – dad I'm so sorry – _and then he things _wait – did his father somehow know? – except surely there is nothing _to _know. _Was he trying to tell him that is is okay to love and irrational, emotional human?

But that cannot be it can it?

Because he doesn't.

Not even slightly.

_x_

**Woot! Spock denial! Tune in soon for more Kirk pummelling and sweaty tension! **

**You know you want to…..:-)**


	5. Chapter 5

**In which the M rating becomes as relevant as it can be without actual coitus occurring and Bones becomes distressed at what goes on in his med bay. ;-)**

**Also much angst and brief reference to child abuse. You have been warned. Enjoy :-)**

**5.**

Thankfully by the time Kirk catches up to him in Med Bay he has had time to regain maybe eighty percent of his composure. Maybe more like sixty. It is possibly fairer to say that he catches up with Kirk, albeit unintentionally, as he would have preferred to stay out of his way for as long as – ha! – humanly possible.

He heads to med bay to check in with the doctor, relating to his self diagnosis of being emotionally compromised. Awkwardly Kirk is already there. He hears them as he approaches and – obviously – they are talking about him.

"God damnit mad what did you go and do that for? That goddamn green blooded alien might have killed you!"

Strange how much that "Alien" hurts right now. He has rarely felt so horribly human. Still he pauses just outside, not wanting to listen in but unable not to all the same. Kirk's voice –

"Ah quit worrying Bones! You've seen me more beat up than this in the bar of an evening!"

"The hell I have – Jim your neck is a mess man! Did no-one ever tell you that Vulcans have three times the strength of humans?"

"Geez Bones no! I didn't ever particularly plan on winding up any shittingly crazy Vulcans!"

"Well why the hell did you? God damnit it Jim I would have gone for you myself if you had said that to me!"

"Yeah well –" Spock almost wants to burst straight in there and start pummelling him again already for that casual "Yeah well" – "How was I to know? I thought Vulcans didn't _have _feelings let alone go into mad killing rages!"

"They have feelings Jim they just hide them really well – Usually. Also Spock _is _half human."

"Half human? Aww shit." Spock waits with eyebrow raised, thinking that Kirk might just be about to say something that will redeem him a little. Instead he just whines – "Why didn't anyone tell me?"

"Did you ever care to ask?" Spock says, stepping in now, tilting his head to one side a little, like a predatory bird – "Did you ever actually _care -" _his lips curl a little as he ladens the next word with the utmost venom – "- _Captain?"_

The doctor looks surprised. Kirk looks embarrassed. There is an awkward silence filled only with the tension that crackles in the air. Spock is damned if he will make it easier for Kirk who, obviously, will never back down and so it is McCoy who has to break it –

"Damnit Spock! How long have you been standing there?"

Spock _smiles _and it is possibly the scariest thing either human has ever seen; icy, utterly humourless and ever so slightly insane –

"Long enough –" he almost spits, aware that his lips are starting to curl again, answering the doctor's question but speaking and looking only at Kirk just as he had done with Mr Scott earlier. Apparently he is incapable of even looking at Kirk without starting to bare his teeth. He glares him down, eyes black – _how dare you how dare you turn me into some kind of animal –_

"You were listening?" If he did not hate him Spock would almost be impressed by the steel in those clear blue eyes. He is either fearless or incredibly stupid –

"Well that's just fucking rude!"

Stupid then.

Apparently the doctor has noticed that they are squaring up to each other, fists clenched – as he makes a brave – if foolhardy – attempt to step between them –

"Jim please, d'you think you boys could manage _not _to start on each other again?"

"Fuck off Bones I can deal" snaps Kirk and Spock is strangely glad when McCoy holds up his hands and stomps off muttering something along the lines of –

"Sort out your issues but don't come crying to me when you're black and blue with them."

With the doctor out of the way there is almost a moment in when they feel the same sense of relief. Almost relief, but not quite.

"D'you know what your problem is Spock?" says Kirk, getting in his fucking face _again. _There are so many possible answers to this question, Spock is aware that he is in a position to have quite a few genuine problems but he suspects that Kirk has no actual answer to his own question. A schoolyard "You are" almost sounds tempting. In the end there is only one obvious response –

"_Please –" _he hisses, with deadly mocking - "_Enlighten me."_

He smirks inwardly, in the split second before Kirk's fist connects with his face. He staggers – but only slightly. No-one has ever hit him before and the sensation is strange, stinging, the blood rushing to his head and the red mist coming down and he grabs Kirk's wrist _hard _and whiplash fast before he can strike again, digging his fingers into the skin and twisting brutally, wrenching Kirk's arm behind his back and moving behind him with inhuman grace to take him by the throat. The human whimpers and splutters, struggling futilely even though Spock applies only half of his strength so as not to actually break him –

"Do you _ever _listen?" he snarls into Kirk's ear, becoming painfully aware of how warm he is and how _good _his wriggling feels. His skin is so warm and soft and so close to his lips that he could almost taste him. He squeezes tighter at his throat just to hear him choke and feel his panic, feels good – "I have three times your strength. I could break you in a second. Why you continue to challenge me is bewildering. I can only conclude that you _want _me to hurt you." He cannot quite decide if he likes that thought or not – either way it makes little difference. He is going to hurt him either way; there is something about this low life human that bypasses all logic and taps straight into this vile, ravenous instinct he had never known he had but always feared. He can feel the human's heart beating surprisingly fast and hear the jumble of his thoughts -

_No don't please please hurt me yes yes – fuck you – what the fuck? –why so good why am I so fucking hard –_

Realising that Kirk really is _getting off _on this and that he too is harder than he has ever been, his aching erection pressing into its backside. Realising too that the human has just become aware of this fact and is _fucking amused _even as he struggles to free himself. Disgusted with the both of them he twists Kirk's arm cruelly, feeling an intense rush of pleasure at hearing him scream, then shoving hardtop send him flying, bearing down on him relentlessly to whirl him round and shove him in the chest with all his might so that Kirk falls hard on his back on the floor and he dives in to straddle him, growling as he punches him in the face until words come out that he did not even know he had inside him, each punctuated by a blow –

"Stupid. Useless. Fucking. _Human –"_

Until Kirk spits blood into his face, disgusting Spock long enough to get in a reply –

"Fuck you –" he spits again – "Wanted –" breathless – "To do that –" panting raggedly – "First time I saw you –"

Spock moves from punching him to pin Kirk's wrists violently above his head.

"I can assure you – the feeling is mutual-" he sneers and with a small but cruel twist he breaks the already damaged wrist, Kirk's scream of pain going straight to his cock – "_Captain."_

Tears of pain running down Kirk's face and he squirms and bucks in a desperate attempt to shift this _fucking evil mad sadistic creep _of a Vulcan. The wriggling frantic pressure threatens to tip Spock over a whole new edge and without thinking he _crashes _his lips into Kirk's in something that can barely be called a kiss. Itis savage and violent, all teeth and cruelty and Kirk's body hot against his own and the wriggling turning into a frantic thrusting with the human's raging erection desperate for release and Spock is grinding down towards it in spite of himself. There is no physical way in which he does not want him right now and he transfers this to the human's mind, letting him know ad feel the extent of this deranged lust and how brutally he would be raping him if they were not on the floor of the med bay right now.

Kirk arches upwards into him, kissing him back with greedy intensity, panting with desire. Spock is furious with himself for wanting this so much and is damned if he is going to let the bastard get any pleasure out of this encounter. He breaks away – though it hurts like fuck to do so – and he feels like his chest is going to explode with lust. He spits right in Kirk's face, determined to demean him as much as he can.

"You will _not _enjoy this" he snarls.

"The hell I won't" Kirk grins defiantly; if Spock didn't want to know better he would almost say that Kirk liked nothing better than to be demeaned as much as possible.

"_Fuck. You." _He growls, seeing the blue eyes widen in delight, the pupils dilate excitedly at hearing this from a Vulcan – "_Farm boy" _and he slaps him in the face hard enough to jerk his neck painfully.

"Bastard!" Kirk splutters – "Fucking crazy fucked up jerk asshole _motherfucker –" _he bites it back quickly knowing he just went too far, but it's too late and Spock licks his lips like a predator about to eat him even with that last really hurting and he is overcome with the need to really hurt this despicable human more than anything physical can do. Spock doesn't think, pushing Kirk's head into the floor, his fingers pressing into the skull and invading Kirk's brain, rushing into his soft open human mind without with no preparation or warning. He shoves himself savagely into the human's brain searching for the spot it would hurt the most to press. He charges through the confused tumble of colour and noise at the forefront of his mind, a jumble of lust, fear and regret –

- _godfuckwantyou didn't want to – didn't think – holy shit what are you doing – didn't want to hurt you – didn't- had to – sorrysorrysorry want you no please please no – god no –_

Charging past all of that and into the corridor of the mind where all the doors have been locked and bolted, aiming for the door that is bound the tightest and battering straight through, crashing in on a small frightened boy who does not care if he is in that car or not when it goes over the edge of the cliff and who makes it out alive only _because _he does not care if he lives or dies, an oft repeated line _You'll never amount to anything you little shit _lying behind all those boasts and swagger and determination – _Nothing, you're nothing d'you hear? _A small boy on the floor shielding his head from the worst of the kicks, who pretends not to care about anything so blatantly to mask, strange as it may seem, the truth that he genuinely _does not _care. Not what happens to him. Not anything –

Spock drags himself back horrified at what he has done – literally throws himself back onto his feet breathing heavily, jerkily – all that physical struggling and only this makes him break a sweat. Kirk on the floor, tears streaking his face and Spock suddenly feeling painfully sorry – reaching to haul Kirk to his feet by his unbroken hand, Kirk letting himself be helped like a child and _this _is what makes Spock feel like his heart might break. So much said in silence as they touch –

_- I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, didn't know Captain forgive me_

_- Didn't want anyone to know – nobody's ever – don't tell please I'm so sorry –_

Until their minds crash in a wave of _sorry _and Spock opens his mouth to say something _anything _to make it better and right at that moment the doctor walks in.

Spock can only imagine how this must look to the good doctor – Kirk cut, bruised, tear stained, blood stained, broken wrist and himself – well highly discomposed to say the least.

"Well –" says McCoy, raising an eyebrow – "You sure did talk things too. Jim gimme that wrist, Spock I'm referring you to the ship psychiatrist – this shit is beyond my goddamn expertise. Now get out of my med bay."

Spock feels a strange mixture of disappointment and relief. As he turns to go he hears Kirk mutter to his friend –

" "Don't come to me when you're black and blue" was it, huh Bones?"

"Shut up Jim and gimme that wrist."

Spock is surprised to find this somehow somewhat endearing and a whole new level of complex has just opened up right there.

_x_


	6. Chapter 6

**In which time passes, Spock ignores sensible medical advice and masturbation is the only logical answer. :- )**

6.

Somehow the rest of the day goes better. Apparently all they had to do to defeat Nero was to learn to work together – like the moral of some cheesy kid's TV show from Earth's long distance past. He half expects Bones to turn around to them at the end of the day and say "Well kids I hope we all learned a valuable lesson today."

Spock is surprised at how safe he feels when Kirk is covering his back – even though it is utterly illogical to feel this way. He even comes, grudgingly, to see that the human's rash, unplanned and occasionally outright chaotic methods do demonstrate a certain bravery and a clear passion for helping others. The original burning desire to hurt the human has become crossed by a need, almost as fierce, to stop him from hurting himself. When he had told his father that he felt as conflicted as he had been as a child it was only half the truth – he feels more conflicted now than he could even have imagined possible as a child.

He loses count of the number of times he has looked at Kirk and Kirk has looked back and he has felt powerfully like they were going to kiss – but then this mutual knowledge has come in their way – _how could I have let you see me like that? _– an understanding that feels both unbearable and somehow binding.

When he head back to his room that night for the most needed sleep he has ever had it is with his own other's words rolling over and over in his head –

"_I could not deprive you of the revelation of all that you could accomplish together – of a friendship that will define you both, in ways you cannot yet realise."_

He doesn't understand this yet. They are not even friends, how good could they possibly be? He does not even at all _want _Kirk to define him in any way. And yet he cannot deny that the other version of himself seems much more together than he is, he cannot quite see himself growing up to be like that and he would like it if he could. And why does the other him speak of the relationship so – so fondly. He wonders what his relationship is with his Kirk in that timeline, he doesn't want to think about it, but he doesn't want to think about what his own will be either.

He expects to fall asleep as soon as he hits the bed – which is not long at all after getting in. But he does not sleep = and why? Jim Fucking Kirk. Always. His mind is in a terrible whirl and that would almost be alright if it were only due to the events of the day. But it's not. It's Kirk. It has been Kirk ever since he woke up this morning. It feels like he will never get him out of his head.

He hates everything about him and all that he is – arrogant little _bastard _, ill mannered and undisciplined, cocky and aggravating, the kind of person perfectly designed to ruin Spock's life, which he seems to be doing most effectively. Damn the boy, he cannot even get to sleep for thinking about it – just another thing to blame him for. He bets that Kirk has gotten to sleep just _fine _or is out fucking the first thing that came along.

The thought makes him furiously, inexplicably angry, torn and confused, obviously not _wanting _the human but hating the thought of him even touching anybody else. It is deeply illogical that anger should be arousing, but Spock is discovering that when it comes to Kirk illogical is what works. His cock is uncontrollably hard for the third time today. At least this time he is not up against the hot writhing human that seems to be the cause of it, looking up at him with those blue eyes unmistakably darkening, positively swooning at the Vulcan's brutal touch, lips slightly parted and – oh fuck those lips….

Spock is not troubled that his hands have gone to his cock – masturbation in these circumstances is only logical. Thinking about someone you hate while doing it is not. But he is less troubled than he is aroused and will do anything he can to get this madness out of his system.

He thinks of Kirk's hands wrapped around his cock in place of his own. Yes he would be such a perfect little submissive but even if he wasn't – even if he _was _– Spock would force him all the same, revisiting this afternoon when he had him pinned to the floor, this time ripping off his shirt to touch him everywhere, his hands leaving trails of bruises on soft human skin. Forcing those beautiful lips into cruel kisses until he simply _has _to see them wrapped around his cock, forcing himself into Kirk's mouth to be serviced by those lips that look like they were fucking _made _for this purpose and nothing else. If he has not been used in this way before it is the most terrible waste –

-Fucking his mouth until the human chokes and the contractions in his throat squeeze his cock into divine insanity and he comes, growling softly, fireworks behind the eyes and tingling in the brain, gasping and breathless and exploding with relief. He falls back, breathing hard and blinking rapidly until he feels some semblance of normal again. Not wanting to analyse what he has just done but rolling over and falling instantly, blessedly asleep, not even caring that he is still a little sticky.

_x_

**Sorry this section took so long to get out! I've got loads at the handwritten state now – just needing to find time to get it all typed up. In the next section there will finally be actual sex! Yaaaay! **


	7. Chapter 7

**In which Spock has angst, Uhura is a pain and Kirk's night does not go entirely according to plan :- )**

**7.**

Things do not improve in the next two weeks. Time passes but the world is blurrier than it has been – a little greyer and cloudy round the edges. Spock feels like he has lost something he will never get back, not just his home planet but some clarity in himself that he has always relied upon. Where the rest of the crew is relieved at the two weeks of leave they have been granted before the official launch of the Enterprise Spock finds himself lost and rendered vague, time hanging heavily with nothing to do. He seriously considers actually taking the doctor's advice and getting some kind of psychiatric help . It would be the logical thing to do and nobody would even question the move at this time. But he doesn't; he wonders if this is just more proof that he has completely lost his reason and possibly his sanity.

Three factors contribute greatly to Spock's now perpetually troubled state of mind.

The first is Uhura, like a persistent fly buzzing around his head, constantly trying to get him to "Open up" and "Offload" onto her, neither of which he likes the sound of at all. He is glad that she personally puts everything down to bereavement and as such seems to understand a little at least that she needs to, as she puts it "Stay out of his face". He feels a little bad for encouraging her in this fallacy but not as bad as he feels about the fact that it _is _a fallacy.

Frankly though Uhura is a mild irritant compared to the dreams that are having a deep and negative effect upon his somatic functions. He does not believe that there is much truth in dream analysis but when he finds himself fighting and/ or fucking the same person night after night it does seem to be a foregone conclusion as to the direction of his mental preoccupation. Consequently he is sleeping erratically, an entirely new and disturbing thing, when he has always been used to getting a perfect eight hours a night.

The final and over riding issue is of course the newly titled _Captain _James Tiberius Kirk. The promotion regrettably means that Kirk has been moved into Officers quarters and therefore become far less avoidable.

The temporary friendship they fell into while defeating Nero has faded into an awkward mutual avoidance. When they run into each other – frequently (due to reasons that will soon be made apparent) – they find themselves dancing round each other not quite knowing what to say or on what level of acquaintance to say it. Spock is torn between not wanting to even acknowledge Kirk, wanting to have him in every possible way and wanting to at the very least punch him in the face. This later usually occur when they meet later on in the evening when he sees Kirk heading back to his room with his latest conquest or conquests.

These conquests are part of the reason they run into each other as often as they do. After the first occasion, which _was _a genuine accident, Spock finds he has started to take walks at certain times of the day, telling himself that it is constitutional but really because he is working out the points at which his path is most likely to cross with the human's. This leads to the very uncomfortable feeling where outwardly he is relieved when they do not meet but inwardly feels empty and helpless like there's a hole in his chest.

The hopeless ache is less when he sees him, but only because it is replaced with a burning, irrational anger. He _hates _seeing Kirk with other men, women and species (he has noticed the infinite variation in his choices) – he hates it with a fiery passion that frightens him. It is the most illogical emotion he has ever had – there is technically no reason why he should have any opinion on the captain's sexual relations, not – although it somehow seems a very minor point – when he technically has a girlfriend himself. _They _quite emphatically _do not _have sexual relations, though it is not for lack of trying on Uhura's part. Spock is having to become more and more creative in his excuses to avoid this, even as a topic of conversation.

Logic aside however, Spock feels like all of his resolve is tested to the utmost every time he sees Kirk bringing home a new one. These semi – drunken antics only remind Spock what a despicable excuse for a life form the human is and how much he does not want him being with anyone else. His conflicted, dived self shrieks in his head –

_Despicable! See you said so yourself! Why do you even care what he does?_

_- There is something here – he has – some part of me –_

_That makes no logical sense. You are merely intrigued by what you do not understand. This human is beneath you in every way –_

_- yeah, I only wish –_

_What is that supposed to mean? This human is nothing to you!_

_- I want this human, I want him so much I cannot bear it – I want – I want –_

_You're like a child and this ends now. _

These thoughts buzz in his head like bees until he thinks he will crack in two with them – until the evening that he runs into Kirk literally on the point of his ushering a pair of beautiful (probably) Andonian twin sisters into his apartment. Usually this circumstance has elicited merely awkward nods and maybe a faint smirk from the human, but today something in him snaps and he cannot _will not _allow this to continue –

"Captain may I speak with you?"

All three of them stop on the threshold. Kirk squints incredulously, frozen in mid action. His lips are slightly parted – a fact Spock finds surprisingly hard to overlook. Kirk falls back into a grin and a shrug –

"Kinda busy right now Spock" he makes as if to finish this conversation and carry on as though that should be so obvious –

"Evidently captain –" Spock cuts in before he can escape, not entirely keeping the sarcasm out of his voice – "Nevertheless it is imperative that I speak to you _now". _

Kirk glares at him, beginning to sound, as he would surely put it, extremely pissed off –

"Seriously Spock you're shitting me."

"Negative Captain, I …." He struggles to conjugate this unique verb – "I shit – you – not. Furthermore if you do not acquiesce to my request I will be forced to report you for unprofessional conduct."

He feels rather satisfied in seeing Kirk's expression move from incredulous and irritated to seriously angry. He feels even more satisfied to see the girls whisper amongst themselves, then pat Kirk consolingly on the shoulder before they saunter off.

"Hey –" Kirk tries to keep a hold of his conquests and when this fails turns back to Spock aggressively –

"See what you did?"

"Indeed captain" – perhaps some part of him meant for this to sound at least a little apologetic – but probably not.

"Well you don't have to sound so fucking happy about it! You think just because your girlfriend's a stuck up tight arse no-one else gets to have fun –"

"As a sound neither happy or sad about the matter – I would also question your definition of "Having fun" – _captain." _

"Yeah, I damn well bet you would you fu-"

"Moreover reverting to name calling would indicate an unwillingness to concede to a superior point –"

"Fuck you Spock, you fuck me right off you fucking –"

"Your sentiments are infantile and your expression of them linguistically impoverished –"

"Fuck you to hell in a fucking handbag! What the hell was so damned important anyway?"

"May I suggest we converse inside?" Spock gestures the still open door with excessive politeness.

"Fuck that shit!"

Which is the point at which Spock finally loses his patience and pushes Kirk through the doorway, striding in after him and slamming the door behind him. He takes no little amount of satisfaction at seeing the human gasping with shock and breathlessness, glaring at him furiously –

"Captain, may I postulate the theory that it is now you who are emotionally compromised?"

"You bet your fucking ass I am!" splutters Kirk, furiously – "I'm fucking pissed off at being thrown through my own door by an insane fucking Vulcan when I was supposed to be getting laid!"

"I wonder captain –" Spock almost smirks, very purposefully locking the door before turning back to Kirk with a dangerous, hungry look – "Whatever makes you think you are not?"

_x_

**Okay I'm sorry, I'm sooo sorry – I really had meant to put the whole of this section up in one but looking back on it this is just too good a spot to leave it… MWHAHAHAHA!**

**Promise I'll have the next bit up tomorrow though. It is done, I'm just bein' mean to ya! :-) **


	8. Chapter 8

**As promised! Some very graphic sex here with dubious consent issues. Enjoy or avoid, whichever way you like!**

**8.**

Kirk blinks rapidly, computing this with an awkward slowness which, nonetheless affords Spock a malicious sense of satisfaction.

"Spock…." He begins. Slowly, trying to paraphrase this in a suitably Vulcan manner – "Are you indicating that you ….wish to.… engage in intercourse with me?"

Spock allows himself a decided un- Vulcan smirk, after all he is far past the point now of _not _allowing himself anything. For once it seems only logical to give in completely to instinct –

"You are mistaken captain –" he savours Kirk's confusion, advancing on the tensing human with slow, deadly intent – "I am making no indications nor expressing any wishes that I do not _intend _to carry out. I _will _fuck you –" he has never used to word in context before and is surprised to find that it excites him immensely. Less surprising is the hitch in the human's breath and the darkening of its eyes –

"With or without your consent." He adds, always intrigued at how Kirk can so often be clearly afraid and deeply aroused at the same time. Spock smirks again, suddenly aware of what he can say that will _really _annoy him –

"You might call it a no – win scenario".

It has the desired affect – Kirk lashes out instantly, impulsively, but still managing to catch Spock in the mouth, messily splitting his lip. Spock raises his hand to his mouth almost thoughtfully and flicks the blood to the floor disdainfully. No need to tell Kirk he was hoping for that, his smile says it all. He punches back, then pushes Kirk savagely, even as he bends over clutching his nose, sending him crashing into the bed behind him, lunging forward to straddle him and throw in a few more punches as Kirk flails helplessly trying to defend himself before Spock tightens his hands around his throat with cruel, mocking familiarity.

"Why do you insist of trying to fight me? You're weak and helpless and you will always lose. Moreover I do not think you even _want _to win."

-_Fuck you _thinks Kirk.

"No –" snarls Spock – "It will be quite the reverse and you know it – Yes –" he continues in answer to the next silent question – "I can read _every _thought you have and you know that you've had this coming to you ever since the day of your disciplinary hearing – _cheat" _he adds, releasing much of his grip so that Kirk can reply out loud –

"Fucking stuck up pompous asshole –" he spits out between gasps.

"Shallow, arrogant _slut" _Spock retorts, quickly – "Yes _captain _I am well aware how many life – forms you've been out fucking while I thought only of you –"

He hadn't meant to say that and bites it back hard just a little too late; luckily the human is too dense to notice at this time –

"Have you been fucking stalking me? Fucking twisted creepy fuck- "

Spock snarls – Kirk wins no points for being correct in this – he squeezes hard at the human's throat, delighting to feel the flesh struggle and suffer beneath his fingers, then breaks off suddenly to slap him in the face repeatedly. The human flinches and gasps rather like a girl though his struggles are becoming increasingly half hearted. He almost pouts and the beauty of it hurts something in Spock's heart and he leans in, kissing Kirk fiercely, dragging his fingers down his neck until the human moans beneath the kiss and presses back with his own force and need and wanting. He pushes Kirk down to cease his wriggling, digging his fingernails hard into the shoulder to bruise, grinding his aching erection into Kirk's thrusting cock, leaning back to feel the friction of it, holding himself up with a hand around the man's throat. He stifles an actual groan as his cock rubs against the human's and savagely rips his shirt from the neck, exposing that perfect chest, seeing where his nails have left little marks in the shoulder and pressing on them gently and excruciatingly –

"You will not forget me like all the others –" he hisses, alarmed at how much pain the idea causes him – "I will make you remember this if I have to bruise every inch of your skin to do so." Kirk's eyes are wild and his thoughts fly back, a frantic _yesyespleaseyes hurt me pleasegod that's good –_

Spock rips his nails across Kirk's chest angrily but also delighting in the feel of his skin, giving in to the long burning desire to touch him everywhere, his hands possessively roaming the swollen skin , head spinning at the hard – soft sweetness of him, brutally divesting him of his trousers, unsurprised to find that he is wearing nothing else. He looks down at the naked human just long enough for Kirk to start squirming uncomfortably.

"Spock – please –" he gets out through gritted teeth – "Fucking – do _something!"_

Spock slaps him again, roughly pressing his still clothed erection against Kirk's – sizeable – naked one –

"You are in no position to instruct me _captain" _he sneers "I can assure you that I do none of this for _your _pleasure." Kirk groans, rather as though this is what he has wanted to hear his whole life and Spock runs wickedly gentle fingers across his thighs and torturously caresses his cock before squeezing gently –

"Beg me" he whispers. Kirk glares at him, eyes blazing , biting his lip to keep from cracking and Spock trails a teasing finger across the tight entrance he intends to penetrate until, barely seconds later, the human is yelling –

"Please!" Furious and crying with humiliation and lust – "Please Spock pleasepleaseplease!"

Kirk's cries ring deliciously in Spock's ears and his entire body sings with want and pleasure and he pushes a finger in, hissing as he does so –

" _Please what?"_

Kirk makes a strangled sound , his breath warm against Spock's neck and he starts to wrap his legs around the Vulcan's back. The sensation is pleasant but Spock still pushes him down roughly, shoving a second finger into him without warning in punishment. He growls as Kirk screams and sobs, flailing and damp with sweat. He feels like silk and leather and oil to touch and Spock is almost undone by it, using his free hand to release his cock, head spinning and out of all control.

Kirk whimpers to feel the size of the thing pressing into his leg and screams harder as if hoping for a rescue that he does not really want – a torrent of vulgarisms and semi – religious inanity.

"Your screams will not help you captain" Spock sounds almost smug – "I can assure you that these walls are expertly soundproofed."

"….fucking arsehole bastard Vulcan piece of shit….." finishes Kirk's tirade before he pauses for breath and Spock pushes his legs up almost to his ears, holding on to his ankles, letting one flail briefly as he spits into his hand and rubs it into his cock before thrusting violently into him. The pleasure is so intense his ears ring with it and he fears he will explode instantly. It takes all his willpower not to just come there and then and he pushes in, impaling Kirk completely. The humans' thoughts are a mess of pain and screaming and mingled pleas for him to stop and _please don't stop _all at once – and it is wonderful to feel him around his cock and to feel him struggle and cry and still love it. Spock thrusts into him mercilessly over and over, snarling in barely silent ecstasy, his body tingling all over with delight at getting what it has wanted and needed for what feels like so long. The human contracts around him, squeezing his straining cock into a nightmare of pleasure and if there are any intelligible words to his thoughts it is only _fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck _as he slams into his captain repeatedly, finally wrapping his hand oh so graciously around his cock to allow the poor human to come, which he does. Spock opens his eyes to watch as Kirk spasms beneath his touch, his eyes half closed, his mouth half open and he is so beautiful as he comes writhing and screaming –

"Fuckfuck – Jesusfuck- Spock –"

Hearing his name finishes him – that and the incredible clenching as Kirk comes and he jerks his hips roughly, driving deeply into him as he comes harder than he has ever done, with a growling cry of completion, so much pent up lust pouring out of him and flooding him with sweet relief.

He falls, shuddering across the warm, soft human body that is the best thing he has ever felt. For a moment they both just breathe, the Kirk starts to say something and Spock wishes that he wouldn't because he does not want to admit how good this feels, how much this feels like being where he is supposed to be always. Wanting to ignore that throbbing pain in the heart that suggests too powerfully that there is more here than just lust.

"Fuck Spock –" Kirk gasps – "That was –"

"Not finished" Spock cuts in quickly, not wanting to hear Kirk say something he has probably said to so many others. He pulls away – hard, or he feels he never will at all – standing up quickly –

"Get on your knees."

_x_

**Eeee, don't flame me too hard if this totally sucks, I've never written slash before so I know it's not perfect!**__**There will be to follow! I think maybe two or three chapters - in which some of Spock's issues are resolved, some are made worse and some actual snuggling may occur – SHOCKING! ….Basically I'm just gonna continue slashing until I get it right! Enjoy! :-) **


	9. Chapter 9

**9.**

Kirk sits up like a sleepy child, blinking rapidly to clear his head. Spock wonders how, given the circumstances, he still has it in him to look a little shocked. Nevertheless he gets up and comes over on legs that are slightly wobbly but making a manful effort to control it that Spock is almost impressed by. He removes the ragged remains of the human's shirt and uses it to give his cock a cursory wipe before flicking it away. Kirk is so naturally submissive, despite all his outward appearance of arrogance that Spock finds it almost touching. On the other hand it is also a little annoying, as he had been hoping for an excuse to throw the human around some more; he compromises by pushing Kirk roughly to his knees, even though he is headed in that direction anyway.

Those blue eyes looking up at him almost adoringly as he awaits his orders are all the Vulcan needs to be almost completely hard again and he strokes the human's golden head softly, almost affectionately – soft like feathers – guiding those sweet lips to his cock, entering his ready mouth gently – it is too sublime a feeling to rush. His eyes half close involuntarily, heavy with pleasure, but he forces them open, determined to see those lips where he has always wanted them . That tongue is as skilled as he has always imagined it would be and feels so amazing as it flicks across his cock that he cannot stop himself from moaning. Unfortunately the human hears him and his eyes grin up at Spock, grinning wickedly and he can hear the smug satisfaction in Kirk's thoughts –

_-I made you make that noise and don't you forget it –_

So he shoves his cock angrily down Kirk's throat, making him choke spasmodically – which feels _fucking amazing. _His eyes leak tears but still he glares back defiantly, eyes blazing as his throat gets used to a ridiculous amount of Vulcan cock.

Spock never ceases to be fascinated by the passion this human seems to emote constantly, the defiance, determination, anger and love on which he seems to run. It is overwhelming and arousing. Spock can barely imagine what it must be like going through every day like that. it is too much; he fucks Kirk's mouth aggressively instead and that mouth could be simply _made _for this purpose. Spock cannot help it, he puts his fingers gently to the side of Kirk's face to transfer the thought –

_You're much nicer when you're quiet._

_Yeah? _Kirk sends back – _fuck you._

Spock's touch becomes less gentle, probing the human's mind until it flinches, suspicion darting in his eyes and a tiny scared little thought, almost ashamed of itself – _pleasedonthurtmeagain _and Spock feels terrible for having violated his mind and his trust the way he had – which is frankly ironic at this time with the human bruised ad on his knees before him. Still he strokes kirk's temple much more tenderly than he had meant to, replying –

- _Sorry, I'm s sorry – never meant to hurt you like that love –_

_-Love? _Mockery, almost unbearable, in Kirk's thoughts – but how his emotions do rollercoaster.

- _Shut up_. Spock thrusts into Kirk's throat, choking his thoughts into silence, forgetting that awkward slip of the mind in the beautiful sensation of the human's throat contracting his cock into oblivion until he comes, growling, into his throat , holding his head cruelly in place and forcing him to take every last drop, jerking it into Kirk's mouth until he finally withdraws, satisfied. He pushes him gently back, thinking out the one word instruction –

- _Bed._

_x_

They lie side by side, focussing on breathing, only gently touching; back of hand to back of hand. Spock understands from this that the human is intrigued by – as his mind phrases it – the touch telepathy thing. Spock wonders, resentfully, if this is just because he has not yet fucked anything else with this talent – he did not mean to transfer this though but somehow, accidentally, it just comes out. Fuck but this human seems to render him emotionally incontinent.

_Spock are you _jealous_? _Kirk thinks back, delightedly.

Spock sends back some very emphatic silence.

_Besides – _Kirk adds – _I bet you use this trick on all your lovers. _

_- Your assumption is irrelevant and consequently invalid._

_Woah Spock – are you saying –_

_- Yes. Now – _In his embarrassment Spock struggles to word the sentiment and it comes out in Vulcan – _I' kap uh t'du ru-lat, sanu._

_Spock you know I don't speak Vulcan._

_- I believe a very rough paraphrase would be do shut up please – Captain. _

-_Oh. _A pause in Kirk's thoughts before he continues – _Y'know Spock, under the circumstances I think you can call me Jim. _

Silence. Strangely comfortable.

_-Gotta tell you Spock – _Kirk is enjoying the silent communication immensely, Spock can tell – like a sweet, exotic flavour on the tongue – _Vulcan is kinda sexy._

_- Captain I must inform you that an attempt to flirt with me would seem highly redundant at this stage. _

_- You say that Spock but you're still dressed and it's sad. _

Spock almost smiles; it is hard to believe the human could react this way – so cool and frankly satisfied after he has been so used. Yet pleasant.

_-A situation I have every intention of rectifying. _

He removes his clothes quickly and efficiently, aware that the human is watching him with wide, fascinated eyes. Lying back down he turns on to his side so that for once they are actually looking at each other, brown eyes to blue. He feels alarmingly naked, almost surprisingly so and wonders when it was he felt like this before – it is somehow familiar. It is hard to think with those eyes looking at him the way they are and the hand that reaches to stroke his skin with the tentative request –

_-You're beautiful, can I touch you?_

He raises an eyebrow –

_It would appear you already are._

It is not an answer, he knows, but suddenly he remembers where the feeling came from – the dream he had the night before the hearing and the powerful one word thought that comes back again unbidden –

-_T'hy'la._

The human frowns at him questioningly –

"What's T'hy'la?"

Hearing it spoken aloud jolts him painfully out of his thoughts – he had not realised that he had been thinking out loud – as it were –

"It's nothing – it – does not matter" he says, thinking quietly and closed – _and you're not supposed to be able to do that! How can you read me when I do not chose for you too? _

"You cussing me in Vulcan? Cause that's just not –"

"Shut up" he growls, leaning in to kiss him and thus more effectively put a stop to this awkward exchange. He removes the human's explorative hand and twists it gently back onto the pillow beside him, moving gracefully over him to continue kissing him intently – just kissing him makes Spock want to moan with pleasure at the contact. With the edge taken slightly from his feverish lust he is able to spend time enjoying the feel of the soft human's skin against his own, how he squirms beneath his touch and kisses him back greedily, as though he could never get enough.

Spock too feels like he will never have had enough of this soft, delicious flesh, as he trails hands and lips and tongue down Kirk's chest, drowning in the warm deep ecstasy of him, hopelessly aware that this interlude is doing nothing to get the human out of his system as he had hoped it would do. It is possibly even having the reverse effect in that knowing how good he feels he will just want this more than ever. He is completely unable to stop himself from giving in to every need to touch, taste, feel – and it is both wonderful and awful.

The human, on the other hand, clearly functions on a far more primitive level and as he avails himself of Kirk's body Spock becomes very much aware of the erection, pressing with increasing intensity against his hip. At first he thinks he will do nothing about it and continues simply to possess the human roughly with his hands and mouth. It then occurs to him that these two activities can easily be combined to mutual benefit, though it is very much more out of his own selfish desire to consume that he takes Kirk's cock into his mouth, wrapping his hand around the shaft with infuriating gentility.

His intent is not, first and foremost, to give Kirk pleasure especially, but just to taste him and to know what he feels like in his mouth. But the human writhes madly beneath his ministrations, wriggling violently, babbling curse words and Spock's name over and over like a prayer and he understands the control he has over Kirk's feelings in this act and the knowledge makes him quite painfully aroused. He grips Kirk's hips to hold him still on the bed, at the same time transferring the thought –

_I don't have to let you come, you know – _and he curls his lip in a sort of awkward smirk as the human screams back silently –

_- Oh god, please pleasepleaseplease you can't do this to me!_

And his hands clutch, twisting into the bed sheets and he is so desperately close, Spock thinks to him mockingly –

_It would be the worst thing if I were just to stop right now, wouldn't it?_

And Kirk cries out loud –

"Please Spock, god please don't stop, please let me come please, begging you –" until he is actually weeping with desperation and Spock takes pity on him –

_Very well. But do not forget that it is because I want you to and you beg so prettily –_

He flicks his tongue, fast and maddeningly over the tip of Kirk's cock before drawing him deep into his throat and he feels Kirk come with his entire body shuddering out his release and he tastes him in his throat, swallowing graciously but loving the act of consuming him utterly.

He releases his grip to let Kirk fall back, nearly swooning into the sheets, sliding up beside him to take his face in his hand and brush the damp hair back from his forehead. The human smiles at him with wide worshipful eyes and he feels that terrible ache again so strong he has to stop touching him so that it does not transfer –

- _Aitlu nash-veh du, bolau nash – veh du, wukkuh vaksurik, aitlu nam tor t'nash- veh goh, kuon sum ashayam, sanu – _Fuck – _tahluk nash–veh k'dular – I love you –*_

- and he knows suddenly, for the first time that it is not some figure of speech and only hopes the human cannot read it in his own horribly human eyes – I love you. He fears he will break apart from it. It is the absolute antithesis of logic, of everything that he has known and tried to be. He realises hopelessly that all this time he has been trying to break the human because otherwise this feeling will break _him _and break him utterly. It threatens to break his heart. There is only one cure he can think of right now and that is to fuck the human again, to bury himself in his body and hope against hope that it will get this feeling out, and so he sends out one more thought –

-_ Want you – want you –_

A dull, throbbing thought, more broken than he had ever thought it could be, so fraught with pain and lust that Kirk looks at him with a concern the Vulcan can hardly stand –

_It's nothing – _he lies, to himself as much as to Kirk, desperately wishing it could be true – _It's nothing – now turn over. _

_x_

**Only one more section left! I promise I will make things right for our heroes by the end of this! Did not really mean for so much angst to get in the last couple of paragraphs but Spock has such big old feelings really! **

*** The Vulcan here translates (I hope) as – I want you, I need you, beautiful one, need you to be mine only, always beloved, please – I love you. **

**- I am quite new to Vulcan though so I apologise if it was horribly grammatically or verbally inaccurate! All corrections welcome! **


	10. Chapter 10

**Last section up! :- )**

**10.**

He takes Kirk again, twice, before falling asleep from sheer exhaustion, waking in the night to find the human snuggled up against him like a soft little animal. He is almost touched at the human's trusting nature but moreover alarmed to find that his lust for him is far from sated, but still burns like a fever in his body and brain. He fucks him while the human practically still sleeps, wishing he could have him always beside him in his bed to do this any time he wishes – before he manages to fall asleep again.

Later in the night Kirk accidentally wakes him, thrashing in his sleep in the grip of a bad dream. He is so clearly distressed that Spock feels a little of his pain and distress in the dream and finds him drawing him to himself gently, forehead to forehead, stroking his temple, willing it away. He could look into the human's head and see the dream but he will not invade him like that again, ever, merely stoking away the badness until the distress subsides and the human is soft and limp once more.

Spock closes his eyes, lost in his own pain, a feeling of deep tenderness for the man beside him so strong it threatens to wash him away. He wonders where it will take them, floundering in this stormy see of emotion and clichéd human thoughts that have suddenly become all too relevant – _I never knew – never wanted – could not have known – never known it possible – could not know I could love like this – somebody please help me please – if only – so many if onlys –_

The thoughts break apart and fly away, scattering on their current of illogic and finally he sleeps again.

_x_

When he wakes it is lighter and therefore later than his usual waking hour and the human is still fast asleep. He looks at the clock, remembering what day it is and thinks a very un – Vulcan – _shit. _He shakes Kirk awake, not entirely gently. The human looks at him blearily at first as if he is thinking _what the fuck? _– before remembrance dawns in the sleepy blue eyes and he smiles dopily.

Spock is up ad dressed in the time it takes kirk to smile and remember. He has no wish to speak first , or speak at all if he has to and has absolutely no idea what he would say as regards last night. But humans are frustratingly slow at waking up and finally it is almost a relief to be able to say –

"Captain, the Enterprise has her official launch in precisely twenty three minutes, you are cutting it very fine if you intend to be on board in time."

Kirk blinks rapidly, realisation seeping in –

"Aww fuck!" he leaps out of bed and starts throwing on clothes. Spock cannot help but be ever so slightly amused as he rushes around cursing as he goes. Suddenly he stops in mid flight and looks at Spock frowning –

"Hey, whaddya mean _I'm _cutting it fine? – You'll be there too right?"

Spock frowns, before last night he had almost made up his mind to take a commission very much elsewhere – indeed as far from temptation as he can put himself – but at this stage he is not at all sure.

" I have – I have not been specifically assigned to The Enterprise at this time" he says, awkwardly.

"But – Spock –" Kirk looks positively crestfallen, genuinely distressed and with this Spock realises suddenly that he really _wants _him there – though he is not quite sure yet what this means.

"Captain I – I do not know –" The hell of it being that he no longer knows _anything – _where he should be going, what he should be doing, how much he can dare hope for – anything.

His heart is beating so fast that it is a hum in his ears. He had never even faintly considered that Kirk might really want _him _in any way and he feels hope like he has never hoped before, rising in him like a phoenix, burning him with beating wings –

"I have to go –" he blurts, leaving fast, in agony, hearing Kirk call after him helplessly.

_x_

Twenty five minutes later he appears on the bridge of The Enterprise with all the outward appearance of perfect composure –

"Permission to come on board – captain?"

He says it almost with a smile and when Kirk turns round and there is real joy in his face he knows that he has made the right decision. When the captain bounces out of his chair to greet him he feels happier than he has felt in a long time – happier and more right even than he has ever felt, that hope that had so troubled him this morning turning into a spark of perfect promise. He steps forward into Kirk's space with more confidence than he has ever genuinely felt.

"As you have yet to select a first officer, respectfully I would like to submit my candidacy –"

He moves even closer – perhaps than he has ever willingly done with another person in public – and a look goes between them that conveys everything that has gone between them in the last eighteen hours along with the first stirrings of a deep affection –

"Should you desire I can provide character references" – he almost smiles and Kirk looks as though, given the circumstances of the previous night he might just die laughing. The warmth and affection in his face are more than Spock ever hoped for –

"It would be my honour commander" He smiles, and for the first time it occurs to Spock that everything is going to be alright.

In fact, everything is going to be wonderful.

_x_

**Aaaah I got a happy ending in! ….or maybe a happy beginning! There were points in this when I thought it'd never happen! – But I am a sucker for a happy ending! **

**Thank you for reading – this was my first Trek – fic so I hope it didn't suck too hard, I know there are loose ends and so much that still needs to be covered/ resolved! That's why I've got a new fic coming soon! I've got a sort of sequel to this that comes between here and "Into Darkness", then I've got one planned for during "Into Darkness"….so much still to do cause I love this 'ship so much!**

**Watch this space….o_O**


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